so, i am really excited about my new job, but i am not excited about waking up at 5:30 am.  This morning was the practice run of the 5:30 wake up call and let me share that NO ONE should have to be up that early.  now, before you all comment on my whining with the “welcome to the real world” and all that, let me just say that i realize that i am not the only one who has to get up this early.  I am simply commenting on the fact that the diffference between waking up at 5:30 and 7:00 is HUGE!!  First, lets talk about how at 7 am there is at least the glow of morning in the sky, and normally by the time the shower has finished the day has arrived….not the case at 5:30.  I woke up in the dark, got a shower in the dark, dried my hair and put on my makeup in the dark, duncan (the dog, who by the way refused to actually get up with me this morning) was let out in the dark, and it is now 7:20 and i can say that officially the sun has risen and i feel like i have been up for days.  this is going to be a long day!!!!  =)

the good news is that i have a job!!!  i am working at haw river elementary as a teacher’s assistant in the preschool and working towards my teaching certificate!!!  i am very very happy about that!

i have been working to try to resolve some of the issues that keep me from letting myself be happy and while i think i have made some progress there is one issue that just wont go away.  i do not trust relationships in my life.  its not about not trusting people its more that i dont trust that they really are or want to be my friend.  i am very careful with people and i try not to get too close or let people in too far because i figure they might at any moment walk away or realize that i am really messed up and decide that the relationship really is too much.  i was in a bible study in the fall that talked all about the people you should have in your life and one of them is a drainer.  i am totally scared that i am a drainer and i desperately dont want to be that kid in anyone’s circle.  so, i just dont let myself get really comfortable in any relationship.  i am finding though that God wants more for me than that.  He created us to be in relationship, even with the risk of getting hurt.  its hard and scary and i am not sure how, but i really want to trust.

thats what i feel like my life is like these days:  autumn in slow motion.  I feel like a whole lot of change is happening in my life and a whole lot more is coming.  i dont like change.  i like my safe little world and all the people in it.  i am not particularly looking for new members in my little world (unless you are single, in your 20’s or early 30’s, a boy taller than me and interested in children at some point) and i am not looking for my world to change.  i feel a little like the leaf that is turning colors ever so slowly and clinging onto the tree to avoid the inevitable fall to the ground.  i know that change is what teaches us to trust God and grow as people.  i also get that God is about the journey and adventure, but i am natalie and i prefer destinations and planned stops. 

i dont know what is on the other side of this change, but i have to believe that it is good.  i know that my God has a plan and that He already knows the ending, but a little spoiler wouldnt be turned away!  i worry that the people in my life now will somehow not be there on the other side of all these changes.  what will i look like on the other side, what will my world be like…

First, let me say that this has been probably the best halloween that i have ever had!  i spent the evening at the Riddle home hanging out with three children from the daraja african children’s choir.  we had the best time talking and playing with these girls.  there are pictures to come…

i have not posted to the blog in awhile…sorry!  lets just say that God has had me in a very uncomfortable place here lately.  i have felt a little lost following my graduation from mba school and to compound that i have parents who do not understand the whole God thing and therefore they do not understand the whole calling to ministry.  it has been hard for me to hear God because my parents’ (mom mostly) voices has been so loud that it seems to drown out God and any truth i might be hearing.  i have felt like i am a crazy person because i am trying to explain to them what a calling is and how i hear from God and why i am sure that ministry is my calling even though the doors do not seem to be opening.  i have been getting lots of counsel from my fabulous friends, but the thing is i forgot (or did not want to) to ask God.  I think i was afraid of His answer, so i have spent the last two days getting very still and very quiet. 

i am not sure that i have my answer yet, but i do have way more questions.  questions like am i really willing to go anywhere that God calls me?  Am i willing to move away from here, from all the of the people that i love most in the world?  am i willing to face my fear of the unknown and making new relationships to answer a call?  honestly, i dont know.  i am scared out of my mind at the moment that God is calling me away from here and I dont know what to do about it.  i know that if God is calling me away from here that He will take care of me, but right now it just feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest.  i dont know that He is calling me away, but i am wondering if i am reallly willing to go anywhere…

prayers would be appreciated…

well a car actually, but leavin town nonetheless and I CANNOT WAIT!!!  ever have weeks or days or months (i hope not months) where you just need a break from yourself and your life?  well thats where i am at.  i need a break from life and luckily, that is just what i am getting.  I heading to Hotlanta for Catalyst Conference tonite and i am so excited i can hardly stand the wait!!  this is my second year and i am ready to be challenged in ways that will help me be more like Christ to people who really need to see Him.  I am also ready for some amazing worship, fellowship with awesome people, and lots of free stuff!!!  =)

well, my life has been a little crazy the past few weeks.  i started and quit a job, only to start two more.  i am MUCH happier about the two new ones that i was about the old one.  just a little advice…always pray before you take a job, i think things probably go a lot easier for you if you do.  i did pray about the new jobs by the way, and i feel as though God sent them to me.  i am just going to say that it is hard to do something when it is not your calling.    

i also went with my roommate courtney to her beach house on topsail island to get it ready for Hanna, and well…we may have gotten caught in a little band of rain and wind from Hanna before we could get everything finished. 

here we are after the rain band and that is courtney in front of the board on the front door

i dont know about you, but i often wonder why people continue to hang out with me.  i mean, i am neurotic and loud and i am pretty sure that is not always a good thing. 

am i the only one who gets done with hanging out with people and replays the conversation only to find that i am pretty sure i could have done it better? 

why do i do that?  why do i think that because of something i said or did will make my friend not my friend anymore?  why do i not trust relationships and friendships in my life? 

yeah, i am not sure…but i am working on it…

so i was perusing the blog world this morning and found this blog post from a blog that usually makes me laugh out loud.  if you ever just need to laugh at the truth of who you and your friends at church are, go here. 

anyway, today he blogged about forgiveness and how God looks at the mess of our lives and still remains unfazed…i dont know, it just struck me today and i think i really needed to read it…maybe it will help someone else who reads it.

sometimes i really hate being a human.  seriously.  i have fallen in love with a God who parted the Red Sea to let His people through, spoke the sun into existence, wrote on the walls with fire and died on the cross but i still doubt His ability to heal my life.  what is up with that?  i dont know about you, but everytime i have a problem i tend to view it as a mountain when, i am sure, God is looking at it like a mole hill wondering why i dont trust Him enough to take care of it.  that is where i am at today…